so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he laminated a picture of his dick.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
