every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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