Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
