I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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