grandma shit on top of the toilet
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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