i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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