I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
