Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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