I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
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All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
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You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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