ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I checked into jail on foursquare
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
These tits shall not be calmed
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
