you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
