I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
