Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
