oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
