How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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