Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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