I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
