Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
