hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
