I think I won the penis lottery.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
