Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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