Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
