We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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