she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
a search helicopter?!
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
