is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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