i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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