I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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