We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I think a kid would responsible me up
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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