if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
