Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
