I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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