She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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