My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
