I hate all girls vehemently.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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