I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
