it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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