Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
