Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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