someone owes me an orgasm
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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