and my herpes radar will keep us safe
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We are all done wearing pants today
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
