Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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