if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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