a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize