Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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