I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
