You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
