i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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