I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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