Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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