Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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