Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Dignity is for republicans.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Who died my cat blue again?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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