Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
