He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
