someone threw a dead crab at me
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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