morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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