Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just want nice things and good sex
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
