Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
