this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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