So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
