I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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